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知道R君的往事，倒是有一回，我們和一位朋友喝酒，暫叫A君吧。A君是個實驗音樂的作曲家，他興高采烈地告訴我們他昨晚吸食一隻新的迷幻樂的情況。 突然之間，剛才還很活躍的R君不再說話了，臉變得陰沉起來，不消半刻便說要走了。我心知有些不對，於是和R君並步回去。R君自此始向我透露他的往事來。

R君出生於英格蘭西部鄉下，十多歲已是當地一個樂隊的主音結他手，常在酒吧開騷。後來R君到倫敦發展，並接手了一間很大的夜場做經理、DJ兼結他 手，從此之後，R君開始接觸越來越多的毒品，直至他出現思覺失調。他花了五年的時間才從思覺失調中回復過來，然後到愛爾蘭呆了兩年才回倫敦重新開始他的生 活。他所有的電結他都賣掉了，換了兩把幾千鎊的古典結他。

胡士托走到盡頭？

想到R君倒是廖偉棠說胡士托早已走到盡頭。年少時的R君和我一樣也狂迷胡士托。自從R君和我提起他的往事後，他倒是少了和我談巴哈 ，而多了找我談Jimi Hendrix和Stevie Ray Vaughan等，而且他借了幾本SRV的樂譜給我。我不肯定迷幻藥和胡士托一 起是否代表一個終結，但起碼我想它曾經是一個開始。這個開始，它是另一種經歷（experience），它超越了那個時代所沉迷的清醒，以及布魯斯和爵士 的那種轉了型的中產品味。班雅明有一本書叫《On Hashish》，裡頭只有兩篇文章出自他手筆，一篇寫的是他吸食大麻麻醉劑的經過，另一篇寫的是他一個相識描述吸食hashish之後的過程。據說，這 些吸食大麻的經驗後來變成了班雅明哲學裡重要的一部分，也即是對康德（Kant）的純粹理性的批評。康德的哲學很難在這裡描述了，但他在《純粹理性的批 判》裡是要去找一個我們對於現象的經歷的可能性條件，也即是感性和知性的運作。班雅明的反對在康德這個經歷的概念是「失常的清醒」，也即沒有聯想，沒有神 秘，沒有色彩，將一個古老的哲學問題很科學性地呈現出來。在藥物的世界裡，班雅明發現了一種新的經歷，例如一張寫字桌突然之間變成了一隻貓，他突然之間對 愛倫坡（ Edgar Allan Poe ）的理解深刻了……

於R君而言，那些吸食迷幻藥的經驗既是時代的呼喚，也是一個在音樂上靈感的需要。但最後，R君上癮了，花盡了金錢，失去了大部份的朋友。但如果沒有 這些經歷，R君對音樂的態度會是如何呢？我不曾問過R君，但和其他音樂家朋友不同，R君不和我談誰的音樂或那種音樂，他常和我談的是甚是音樂，如何抽象 地去理解音樂。他會不厭其煩地聽我講胡塞爾（Edmund Husserl）的內在時間知覺（inner-time consciousness）的現象學，以及德勒茲（Gilles Deleuze）對巴洛克音樂和萊布尼茨（Leibniz）的聯繫等，而且嘗試將它們放到自己的框架裡。他也開始問一些很形而上的問題，例如巴哈的作品是 否真的可以以結他彈奏出來，音樂和物質的關係，以及如何去思考樂譜轉換的問題等等。

記得很多年前的結他老師打趣說過，如果你要做一個成功的結他手，你只有兩個選擇，要玩得快，如果你達到Paul Gilbert的速度，那在香港就無敵了；要你就要很有旋律感，但這就要視乎你的天份。相比之下，「快」當然比「旋律感」容易很多了。有一天，當我無聊 地玩弄一些快速的音階，R君突然叫我不要再製造噪音了，他說這些音樂對他來說已經沒有意義了。我呆了一呆。曾經我們不是覺得這些很有型嗎？

走出迷幻 超越以往

現在想來，當R君已經在迷幻藥中走出來之後，那個時代也隨他終結了。但R君並不是回到還未吸食迷幻藥之前的那種對音樂的認識，他對音樂的體驗已超越 了以往。所以R君在他的同學裡找不到知音人。雖然R君已和那個時代割裂，然而那個時代依然延續下去，正因為這個時代越來越清醒了。他的清醒程度，就好像班 雅明對康德的批評一樣，那是「失常的」。就好像學校的驗尿計劃，因為越來越多的案例顯示家庭已處理不了，父母渾然不覺，那最容易將學生監察的地方當然是 學校了，學校從一個教育的地方，變成了處理青少年行為不良（delinquency）的地方。社會問題最好的解決辦法就是立法，以數字來取代所有的判斷。 在卡夫卡的《在流刑營》，處決犯人的軍官相信機器本身能知道甚叫「正義」，沒有比機器更清醒的技術了，它的每一步都沒有偏差。我們的時代正在渴望著這種 清醒，以立法和技術來管治，將所有的人文價值放到了一個輔助的角色。如果說它犬儒，它又不是，他很明顯知道怎樣做最有效率，最容易管治。這些理論，我們可 以見於福柯的紀律社會（disciplinary society），也可見於德勒茲的控制社會（societies of control），雖則香港（或者亞洲）所吸取的西方管治模式卻永遠都比西方來得狠而且快。當然如流刑營的結尾，機器會失常，它不但自我滅，而且也弄死 了執行他的軍官，這是現代性的悲劇。

一個清醒的時代，所有的體驗或經歷就好像被潔凈過（purify）一樣。然而在遠離這種潔淨之後，又是另一片的混沌，誰可以從那裡走出來，超越了他 的過去呢？就好像R君一樣幸運。但R君不是偽善人，他對A君口黑臉黑並不是因為他吸食迷幻樂，而是他不曾想過如何在那種體驗中走出來，如班雅明將他吸食大 麻（其實那是一個醫學實驗）的經驗變成批判的武器。

清醒只是失常

胡士托或許終結了，但那只是他的軀體，對它的靈魂卻未嘗不是一個開始，起碼這個時代的「清醒」只是越來越失常。並不是每個人都好像R君一樣幸運，他當年決定不進精神病院，因為他知道自己一進去就出不來了。當「拯救」的行動將他的肉體從毒品中抽離時，他依然嚮往著胡士托， 那裡不是失常的清醒的，冷酷的，黑白分明的。末了，我不得不說，R君最喜歡的不是Jimi Hendrix而是Django Reinhardt，一個在火災中左手失去三根指頭的吉卜賽爵士結他手，但兩根指頭卻玩得更出色。 我還記得去年夏天和R君坐在公園的草地上，彈Django Reinhardt的Minor Swing，那似乎是我最美麗的夏天了。我現在已不常見R君了，但每次我拿起結他，他總好像坐在我對面看著，一如往昔。

[文／許煜 編輯／李曉虹]